Down and Out
by fluting-through-life
Summary: Dean is being plagued by dreams that reveal his true desires about a certain angel and the only thing he really wants in the entire world. Castiel/Dean. Umm... slash, sort of. I guess... Also, mention of Sam/Ruby


**So this is my very first fan fic. I'm not terribly satisfied with it, but maybe you'll get more enjoyment out of it than I did. I don't particularly think I did the characters justice, but what the hell.**

**Dean: Funny you should mention Hell.**

**So, anyway, I love Dean and Castiel with all my heart and I figured I'm not a real fangirl until I've written a fanfic. So here it is.  
Comments are appreciated! I hope you like this. **

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Dean hadn't been sleeping well… Well, that was a given. With visions of Hell dancing through his head, it was surprising he got any rest at all. But it wasn't just his horrific memories that made his nights unbearable. He was having dreams about a certain angel.

They'd started about a week earlier and had seemed fairly innocent…at first. Dean and the angel would just talk. And Dean would ask questions and tell him things he would never think of telling Sam. And Castiel would listen and answer and make Dean feel safe.

But over the past four days, the dreams were changing. He was doing things he'd never even thought of doing. To someone he was too terrified of to even mention these acts. But most unsettling of all was that Castiel seemed to enjoy it.

_Well of course he's enjoying it, stupid! _Dean chastised himself. _Because it's not really Cas! It's the one _you_ imagine. And _your_ Cas doesn't mind playing naked hide and seek!_

Dean flinched a little at that. He'd always had himself pegged as a "I-like-women-get-the-hell-over-it" type of guy. He'd never even so much as considered the possibility of being with a dude. To Dean, his sexuality had been the only thing that really remained unquestioned. Now, though, with these dreams… and Dean's inability to stop thinking about them! If he was just having these dreams and that was that, that would be cool. It would just be some weirdo crazy dream that he could forget. But Dean was actually _considering _them. What might it feel like to have Castiel beneath him? Both flushed and slick with sweat, but wanting each other. What would it feel like to be with an _angel_?

Dean thought the word with both reverence and fear. He might not know much about angels, but he knew they couldn't ever… be with a human. Or anyone, for that matter. And Dean was terrified what Cas might think if he found out that Dean was thinking of him in _that _way. What if he sent Dean back to Hell for even thinking such blasphemous things? … What if he left?

Even the thought of Castiel leaving Dean alone brought a sudden terrible fear. He couldn't be alone anymore. Not when there was finally someone who gave a damn. Who actually seemed to _care _about Dean.

Who braved the fires of Hell to save him.

He was still for a moment. He owed Castiel so much.

_What the hell was wrong with that angel? _Dean suddenly thought, bitterly. _Why would he risk his own neck for me?_

For a fleeting second, Dean thought he knew why.

_He loves me_.

But as fast as that thought came, Dean pushed it away. That wasn't why. He thought back to a conversation they'd had so long ago.

"Why would an _angel_ rescue me from Hell?" Dean had asked.

"Good things do happen, Dean," his savior had answered, taking a step closer.

_That's bullshit and you know it, _Dean thought. Why in the hell would anything good ever happen to Dean Winchester? "Not in my experience," he'd replied curtly.

Castiel tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, trying to understand Dean's reluctance of taking this for what it was. "What's the matter?" He searched through Dean's words and mind, looking for the answer. Then it dawned on him. "You don't think you deserve to be saved."

Dean huffed a little impatiently. _Of course not! _he thought. _Thanks for finally catching on_. Changing the subject, Dean asked, "Why'd you do it?"

Castiel held off on further trying to understand Dean. He licked his dry lips, preparing himself to deliver the news. "Because God commanded it." He paused, then added. "Because we have work for you."

As Dean remembered that conversation, his shoulders slumped. Castiel hadn't saved him out of the goodness of his heart. It was an order. And that was all. It wasn't a labor of love (at least not Castiel's) and the realization sent a jolt of pain through Dean's heart.

Castiel didn't love him. Dean wasn't even sure that he could, even if he wanted to. Suddenly, he was all alone again. He was that scared little boy, left to protect his baby brother, knowing he never could. He was that little boy who cried himself to sleep, wishing that there was someone who could hold him and make everything okay.

Dean was on his knees, holding back the tears of a man who was broken inside. Dean knew he was broken in a way that could never be fixed. And the only thing he could do was keep going. He had to be strong. For him and his brother. There was no time to cry. No time to mourn things that were and would always be for Dean. He was destined to be alone forever. Destined to watch out for his little brother and now all of humanity. After all, he was _Dean Winchester. _King of the land "No One Gives A Fuck." Besides, crying was for pussies, anyway.

And, of course, Sam loved him. That was enough, right?

Sam.

Where was that boy?

But Dean knew. Sam was with that demon whore. Breaking Dean's heart into smaller pieces every time he went.

But Sam would never love Dean the way that he wanted, or needed, anyway. Sure, they were brothers and they shared a bond deeper than they ever would with anyone else, but Sam didn't understand Dean. He didn't understand why Dean didn't approve of his relationship with Ruby (the bitch), or why Dean always seemed to be hiding things from him. Sam didn't understand that Dean needed someone to be there for him: a lover, someone who would fight for him, someone who would never leave.

But Dean was getting his hopes up. Again. There was no one out there like that for Dean. Castiel was following orders. He was a soldier. A veteran who knew not to get emotionally invested with his charge. And Dean wasn't worth getting emotionally invested in anyway. Dean wasn't worth anything to anyone. He was just a pawn in the Big Man's game. And Castiel was just supposed to baby-sit him and make sure he didn't have to haul his dumb ass out of Hell again.

Dean got to his feet and punched the motel wall as hard as he possibly could. He had to get his mind away from this self-pitying train of thought. It wasn't doing him or anyone else any good.

Dean hung his head, his fist about a foot through the wall, and sighed.

He stayed that way for a long time. And when he felt someone touch his shoulder, he jumped and spun around, letting out a little yelp. Suddenly, he was face-to-face with a dark haired, blue eyed angel.

And he couldn't help but relax.

Castiel was studying him, trying, as always, to understand what made this irrational human tick.

Dean couldn't believe he ever found that irritating.

Castiel's head was tilted a little and his sharp blue eyes bore into Dean's, looking for answers. Whenever Castiel did this, Dean always found it a little intimidating. He couldn't hide anymore and he couldn't keep looking into those piercing eyes while they probed through the deepest, darkest parts of his mind. Finally, when he couldn't do it anymore, Dean's eyes focused just over the angel's shoulder.

Dean saw the bed and his mind slipped back to the dreams he'd had. He thought not-so-innocent things and wondered how much Castiel would allow before smiting him into oblivion.

Dean was suddenly intensely aware of how little space there was between himself and the angel. It wouldn't be hard to get a little more physical contact in other than the hand that was still gently placed on Dean's shoulder.

His silent prayer was answered when Castiel took a step closer, eliminating any remaining space between them. The angel pressed his body against Dean's and leaned up. He kissed Dean, innocently, tenderly.

Dean's body tensed immediately and instinctively he pulled away.

"I thought this was what you wanted," Castiel said.

"I-I, uh, it is, I think, it's just… um…" Dean had never been one to shy away from someone, especially when they made a move on him. But he couldn't help it.

"You're scared?" Cas offered.

"No," Dean responded automatically.

"It's okay to be scared."

"But I'm not." _Yes, I am. But not of this._

"I won't Fall, Dean. I promise."

_It's not __just that though. _Dean continued to avoid Castiel's eyes. He knew the angel would understand soon enough, so he chose not to respond.

"You're afraid I'll leave you once you start to be happy."

Dean's eyes flicked to Castiel's, proving he'd hit the nail right on the head.

"I love you, Dean. I want you to be happy. I will never hurt you."

_That's not all._

"You deserve this, Dean. It's your turn to be loved. Unconditionally. With all of my being, I love you. And no matter what you do or what you've done, you will be worthy in my eyes." Castiel touched Dean's face, gently, and Dean knew he was telling the truth.

His fears and doubts vanished and Dean was loved. And he was worthy. Worthy of being saved and worthy of being loved. In that moment, Dean was happier than he'd ever been in his entire life.

"I love you, Dean."

"I love you, Cas." Dean looked at his angel. _His _angel. Dean's angel.

His savior.

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**Hey, if you're reading this, it means you endured it! Yay! And if you're not reading this, then you suck. So thanks for getting through it. Leave your name and address and I'll send you a cookie... Hope it doesn't get too moldy. I hate moldy cookies**

**Castiel: Me too. They get all gross and chewy.**

**Cas is a fan of snickerdoodles, by the way.**

**Anyway, thanks a lot! **


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